Guest Blog Post: Dance It Out

Here’s a wonderful guest blog post from one of the absolutely best humans I know, Carolyn Ash, my church’s director of family ministries. Carolyn is a deep practitioner of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which has helped her, her husband and her totally wonderful and very spirited 9-year-old through some “toughies” as they call them. 

If nerves are fraying and your parenting strategies are wearing thin on Month 8 of pandemic life, read on and find relief. 

~Molly

I am finding that I need new tools (or need reminders about old tools) to parent spiritually through the feelings storms these days. I was recently reminded of a tool I learned during an NVC-themed summer small group that I have started using again: the NVC Dance Floor. One of the many wise parents in our church family shared that when their child displays the biggest feelings and the most off-track behavior, the only solution that helps them regulate again is drawing close, even though pulling away is easier and more desirable in the moment.

This is true for my family too, and the NVC Dance Floor gives us a structure that makes drawing close easier. Here's how I have adapted this tool to support us in processing our feelings after an upset.

Step 1. Write the following 6 words on 6 large pieces of paper and tape to your floor:

Prayer

Story

Feelings

Needs

Ask

Hug 

See above for a pic of the latest one we've drawn -- this time, on our front steps. We have graduated to using "Observations" and "Requests" in the places of "Story" and "Ask."

Step 2. Invite your child to do the "NVC dance." The first few times you do this, pick a story about an event that everyone enjoyed, such as making cookies together. Enjoyable events work best to learn a new tool together.

 Step 3. Holding hands, stand on "PRAYER." Invite God to support you and your child with your NVC dance. Here's how ours usually sounds:

Dear God, please be with us and bless us as we dance through our feelings together.

Step 4. Invite your child to jump onto "STORY" (or "OBSERVATIONS") and share their story of what just happened when their big feelings surfaced. If the child expresses judgement or blame, invite them to try to tell the story exactly how it happened without judging and blaming.

Judging and blaming makes it hard for me to hear your story.

Here's a recent example (abbreviated) from our NVC dance yesterday:

I kept getting kicked out of the Zoom and missing what my teacher was explaining.

Step 5. Reflect back exactly what your child shared in their story and observations. Reframe the parts that were not strictly observations. 

For example, "and you didn't care and Mr. Wilkins didn't even notice."

Can be reframed: "You got kicked out of the Zoom and I kept working without helping you. And it took Mr. Wilkins several minutes each time to let you back in. And you thought this meant that we didn't care or notice."

Step 6. Once your child has told the story fully, invite them to jump onto "FEELINGS". Ask them how they felt when this happened. Encourage them to list alllll the feelings. When we have big, explosive feelings, usually there are a lot of them. Some are hidden deep beneath the obvious ones. Here's a feelings list that I have often printed for our fridge to help us.

What other feelings did you have?

Once all our feelings are recalled, we can start to understand what each points to. Every feeling is important because every feeling points to a need (a met need, or an unmet need). Help them uncover as many as they can.

Did you also maybe feel X?

Step 7. Reflect back exactly what your child shared, repeating each feeling they named.

Step 8. Invite your child to jump onto "NEEDS." Ask them what needs they had in that moment that were unmet (in the case of stormy feelings) or met (in the case of sunny feelings). Here's a needs list.

I needed to matter to my teacher.

And I needed empathy from you.

And I really wanted school to be over so I could have freedom again.

And I needed fun and to not be bored.

Step 9. Reflect back exactly what your child shared, repeating each need they named and reframing judgements into needs.

For example, "I need this stupid Chromebook to work."

Can be reframed to "You need it to be easy to stay connected to Zoom and stay in the class."

Step 10. Invite your child to jump onto "ASK" (or "REQUESTS"). Invite them to ask you for something, or make a request of you of a positive action you can do next time.  

Can you sit next to me so you can see everything that's happening in my Zooms? 

If you cannot say "yes" to the request, modify it only as much as is needed for you to comfortably agree.

"How about we try a different computer on Monday for you to do school? And how about if you tell me calmly that you got kicked out of your Zoom, I promise I will try to help you get back in. Would that work for you?"

Step 11. Jump onto "HUGS" with your child. Celebrate by thanking them and hugging!

"I am so happy I now understand what you were going through.

I'm excited that you asked me to do things that will help next time.

Thank you for sharing so much with me!" 

Step 12. Repeat steps 4-11 for your own story, sharing deeply what you were experiencing, feeling and needing at the same time. I am pleasantly surprised every time how interested my child is in learning about my experience, and how capable she is of being empathetic when I can tell my story in a nonjudgmental, non-blaming way. Don't skip these steps for yourself. They are so helpful for moving through your feelings and understanding your needs better too.                

 I hope you have a wonderful Fall!  

Carolyn