Talking About COVID-19 With Our Wonderers and Worriers
There are legitimate reasons to wonder and worry about the impact on kids of such easy access to so much information on the internet and social media. With many of our kids home from school to prevent the spread of coronavirus, parents need to be mindful of containing more than germs. Being bombarded by minute to minute updates of every closing and new confirmed case of COVID-19 can be incredibly anxiety provoking. As I write this, I have the news on in the background...on mute.
Of course, every con has a pro. I’ve been grateful for excellent advice and online resources for talking to children of all ages about coronavirus over the past few weeks. Having accurate and age appropriate information and actionable steps is empowering for kids and parents both. I’ve been using many of them in my practice and at home with my own kids.
But as anyone with a kid who is even a teensy bit prone to anxiety knows, conversations about worries (and a global pandemic is a pretty big worry) often go sideways. If you happen to have a kid who is always trying to figure things out, wondering how this connects to that, how this strange world works, you are lucky. These kids are just the most fun to spend time wondering with. They are my favorites. They are also often our worriers. Because wonder so easily tips into worry, doesn’t it? And, yet. Maybe it doesn’t have to. Maybe there is a way we can wonder together that leaves room for worry and comes full circle back again to wonder. I know I’ve learned some of the most profound lessons in these kinds of conversations with my own and others’ little worrying wonderers.
The other night at bedtime, my 10-year old had a LOT of worries and questions about the coronavirus. Somehow talking about the relatively low risk to him led to discussion of the shape of the virus, clinical drug trials, why we test medicines on mice and monkeys, evolution, autocratic versus democratic governments, and about doctors and other activists who risk speaking out to change systems. Based on that (exhaustive and rather exhausting) conversation and others I’ve had with patients recently, here is my list of tips and tools for conversations with kids and teens about coronavirus. I’ve expanded on the excellent advice that’s out there to hopefully help parents whose kids are masters at throwing unexpected curveballs.
Follow their lead...and their tangents. Most parents have heard the advice to only answer the questions you are asked when talking about scary subjects with kids and teens. If giving facts about the greater risk the virus poses to the elderly leads to questions about how long grandparents will live, answer them. Don’t lead with the fact that grandma is more likely than them to be hospitalized if she gets sick. It can also be tempting to cut off questions when they seem to be veering way off course. Try to resist that temptation. Allowing kids the chance to take the conversation in their own direction gives us a window into their thinking and their personalities. Going off topic might also lead you to an unexpected teachable moment. It’s also a powerful skill for managing anxiety - shifting focus. Talking with my 10-year old about why monkeys are often used in clinical trials for human therapies led him to imagining how fun it would be to have a monkey he could teach to ride a bike...a much more pleasant dream to fall asleep to than his whole family falling sick to a microscopic virus.
Empower them...and give them perspective on both worry and privilege. Anxiety is fed by feeling out of control. It’s wise and good to give kids actionable steps they can take to feel some measure of control over protecting themselves from something that can’t be seen. This is why handwashing is (generally speaking) good for our mental as well as physical health. Parents can also provide kids with much needed perspective. But sometimes the experts’ well meaning advice or teachers’ attempts to get kids to help keep the classroom germ free backfires and exacerbates a child’s anxiety. Kids who are prone to worry may be particularly susceptible to what I’ll call “over-control” (aka unhelpful anxiety). Some of our kids will need to sing happy birthday while washing hands to limit the amount of time they spend at the sink. They may need us to give them some guidance and guardrails for their worry. For example, we wash hands after using the bathroom, before eating, when we come home from a public place.
I have a 16-year old patient with anxiety whose high school is closed for a month. She had a long list of worries: missing SAT’s and drivers’ education and AP exams, a delayed or possibly canceled soccer season, turning in missed work and making up tests from a previous sick day, keeping up with online coursework, missing time with friends...oh and of course, coronavirus. As we took each worry one by one, she realized that she wasn’t actually worried about some of these things. We made a venn diagram of worries, frustrations, and disappointments. Then narrowed the list to only those things that fell in the worry circle and made a plan for each - something she could do to feel more in control. Facetime a friend daily and do their online coursework together. Email her teachers today about missing work. We agreed she was just going to have to feel the frustration and disappointment of not getting to play soccer this spring or getting her drivers’ license even later. And we identified the people she has to support her and let her feel all those feelings. Perspective.
Even for kids who are not so prone to worry, giving them perspective can be a teachable moment. For kids like mine who have the privilege of parents who can work from home, schools that can provide online learning and a well-stocked pantry, we can give them perspective on that privilege. Encourage kids to call or video chat with grandparents and elderly folks who are at greater risk and who may already be socially isolated. As a family, take inventory of your pantry. Stock up on what you need without stockpiling at others’ expense. Donate extra food, money, computers. Be open with your kids about what you are doing to help support those who will be impacted more than you. This is a gentle reminder that relatively speaking, they are at less risk than others who have the disadvantage of being older, in poverty, or otherwise marginalized.
Give them facts and be honest about what you don’t know...and about what no one knows. When kids ask a question we don’t have the answer for, it’s relatively easy to admit that we don’t know and to suggest we look it up together. Thank you Google! But what do we say when asked a question that no one knows the answer for? We tell the truth. “I don’t know how many people will get sick or how many may die. No one really knows because this is a new sickness.” You can reassure them based on what we do know - that the risks to kids seem to be lower, and that we are doing all we can to keep ourselves and others safe. Parents can also take it a step further, and:
Talk about your faith. Maybe you have faith in a God who uses all things for good--even a pandemic--to draw people closer together and change systems for the better. Maybe you have faith in science and medicine. Or a faith in people who step up to help others even at risk to themselves. Or even just a tenuous faith that the arc of the universe bends towards good and that if everything is not okay there must still be more story to be told. Whatever you believe, tell your children. Then ask them what they believe. Their answer may just help you as much or even more than it helps them.
Stay well Beloveds! Mentally and physically and spiritually. And if you’re scared or overwhelmed or ready to pull out your hair with kids at home send us a note here or on social. Let’s be the best kind of virtual community we can be for each other.
Ellen (and Molly)