What parents can do to stem the rising tide of depression and anxiety in high achieving schools
According to a recent article in the Washington Post, students in high achieving public and private schools should now be considered “at risk” given rising rates of anxiety, depression and suicide. As a child psychologist, this is hardly shocking news to me. As a mom of two kids fortunate enough to attend school in one of these high achieving districts, it worries me. What can parents do better to stem this mental health crisis?
I recently went to a sophomore guidance night for my oldest. The presentation started with information about how our high school supports college prep, beginning with the 21st century computerized versions of the paper and pencil aptitude and interest surveys and hefty Fiske Guide to Colleges of our youth. The discussion of college and SAT/ACT prep was followed by a presentation citing the WaPo article and highlighting the strategies our school is implementing to alleviate stress - mitigating homework and incorporating mindfulness exercises into the school day. Earlier that week our kids had an assembly on recognizing signs of depression and suicidality in themselves and their friends and on how to get help if they needed it.
I’ve had kids in my practice come into session distraught and triggered after attending similar assemblies on suicide, but it wasn’t the assembly parents expressed concerns about during the Q&A. It was the interest, career and college inventory. Parents worried that telling kids now, at 15 and 16, what their strengths are, what they might be interested in or good at, instead of telling them they can be and do anything they want, might be too limiting. They worried that knowing how much the college of their dreams might cost or how high the average GPA or SAT score of accepted applicants is could be overwhelming, increasing anxiety or squashing their hopes prematurely.
The guidance counselors did a great job addressing parents’ concerns: pointing out that having a list of potential careers and colleges more often expanded possibilities than it constricted them. They noted that being able to write a check to any college was a privilege of many families in our community but not all. That our kids already know college is very expensive. Having accurate information could help them decide just how much debt to take on.
Parents were reminded that these tools are meant to be jumping off points for discussion and discernment at home. It was gently suggested we read Frank Bruni’s Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be. And we were reassured again that the school knows the stress our kids are under and is taking action to mitigate it: remember, mindfulness.
I’m all for mindfulness and use it often in my practice, but I couldn’t help but sit there worrying that all of this is treating the symptoms without curing the illness. I left mid-way through the Q&A. The other parents were stressing me out.
There’s a reasonable argument that parents today try too hard to be friends to their adolescents, in the process abdicating their authority and ability to set rules and expectations, or oversharing and burdening their kids. It’s also been argued that parents are just trying to alleviate stress and anxiety by clearing the way for their kids. See lawnmower parents (those in warm climates) and snowplow parents (like me in the Northeast). The goal is to avoid disappointment. If parents can carve out the future for their kids, the present will be easier. The problem is this approach more often breeds anxiety and disappointment.
When we tell our kids that they can do all things and anything, go anywhere, be whatever or whoever they want, we risk crushing them under the weight of expectation instead of the, arguably easier to shoulder, weight of information.
Psychological science tells us that having too many choices can be overwhelming, even paralyzing. Lacking information to make choices and agency to do so is even more damaging and leads to anxiety and depression. We need to feel in control of our actions and decisions in order to accept and cope effectively with the outcomes. Maybe the root of the problem isn’t a lack of choice or a lack of rules, maybe it’s a lack of a sense of autonomy and competence, two of three human needs, the third of which is relatedness.
The science of parenting and child development tells us that what our kids need to meet these three needs and to thrive is a balance of autonomy support, structure and involvement. Autonomy support means giving them realistic choices and the agency to choose for themselves. Structure gives them the information and skills they need to make those choices. Involvement means knowing them, their world and their interests. Molly and I refer to this as The Holy Trinity of Parenting. It’s a three legged stool that is perpetually and permanently off balance, one leg always a bit shorter or longer than the others. The closer we can get to balancing the stool, the more resilient our kids will be; less likely to succumb to stress with anxiety and depression.
Parents who withhold information from their kids to protect them, who work double time (literally or figuratively) to make any choice a possibility for their kids, mean well. They don’t want to disappoint their kids. None of us does.
The problem is that stress and disappointment are inevitable. After all, even mindfulness is not about bliss. It’s about being able to sit with discomfort, with disappointment, without crumpling under its weight. Disappointment can build resilience if we give our kids tools to manage it. We can give them tools to buffer them against being crushed by disappointment ahead of time, without necessarily clearing the path of all obstacles for them.
I know of a family who let their daughter apply to all the colleges she wanted without telling her they would not be able to afford the tuition at her dream school if she was accepted. They encouraged her to keep her options open so not to apply early decision, secretly hoping she might not be accepted, saving them the task of having to disappoint her themselves. She was accepted. The disappointment was that much sharper because of its reason, and because she had been given misinformation about the hopes and reality of her attending.
Contrast this with a friend who recently told me about impulsively buying an aquarium at a yard sale with her kids. All the way home they dreamed and planned together to make it a lovely home for a soon to be purchased pet turtle. Later that night she did some research. She learned how smelly turtles are, how much more space a turtle would need in their tiny apartment, that turtles can live for 20 or more years. The next morning, she gently explained to her 7-year old that the aquarium could not be home to a turtle after all. Her daughter was disappointed. She still talks about wanting a turtle, but also now about the possibility of a fish. This is the definition of resilience.
When we underestimate what our kids know, or what they can handle knowing, when we try too hard to protect them, we leave them more vulnerable to anxiety and depression. We fail to give them the skills to be independent successful adults, which is after all our job.
Maybe we parents today do want to be friends with our kids, or maybe we just don’t want to disappoint them. Except a real friend doesn’t let you go to a party in a dress that doesn’t fit. They tell you when you have lettuce in your teeth or when your plan to tell your boss exactly what you think seems destined for disaster. They risk embarrassing or disappointing you to save you from bigger embarrassment or disappointment. They tell you what you need to hear, give you the information you need, an honest assessment of your strengths and weaknesses, so you can make informed decisions. And when the inevitable disappointment comes, a real friend is there to commiserate with and support you. If we are going to be friends with our kids we should at least be good ones.
~Ellen